Have you ever seen an episode of Related? That new show on the WB about the sisters…well, we’re kinda like that - only it’s real life.

My sister called me last night and said she was going to kidnap me to take a quick trip to Wal*Mart, that turned into a sisters’ night out instead when we decided to include my other sister (my oldest sister is going to Brazil and she wanted us all to get together before she left).

That expanded to include their step mom and my nephew (an honorary sister) and after much indecision, we finally decided to visit Bahama Breeze. That initially turned out to be a good decision because they served regular martinis and I saw my opportunity to have my very first martini ever.

Then the waiter asked me if I’d like Vodka or Gin and that just complicated matters. After taking votes, I decided to go with Gin because I hadn’t tasted it before.

Well, that was my first and probably last martini ever. When my drink arrived, I took one giant sip…but it didn’t hurt right away…no, it took a few seconds before it started burning a trail to my stomach. By my third sip, I knew I was done. I felt no pain.

I gave a sip to my sister who somehow started seeing double after just the one sip…my sisters’ step mom took a sip and said “Wow, that’s good.” I kindly donated the rest of it to her and decided to go with something I knew I could stomach - a Week on the Beach (which tasted an awful lot like Sex on the Beach).

Somehow the discussion turned to baby making (no, not sex…actual bearing of the children) and they all looked at me like I was supposed to be next or something…but I’m not, the oldest messed up the flow because she was supposed to be first, but she wasn’t, so it’s rightfully her turn to have a child.

And you know what - she just wants me to have kids so she can take them to the Cheesecake Factory and tell them it’s Chucky Cheese’s (which she did with my nephew for the first few years of his life…I wondered why he looked so baffled when I brought him to the real Chucky Cheese’s).

Fast forward…going out with my sisters is always fun. Whenever you get all three of us together, people around us seem to start laughing too - the waiter was no exception. Somehow a picture got slipped out of a wallet without my noticing. The rest is…painful to recall, but admittedly, funny as hell.

Some of this is blurry, so please forgive me if I missed anything.

The waiter returned, we’ll call him Jerry (which consequently is his real name), we sucked him right into our web of tomfoolery and the moment he said his age, my sister wrapped her arm around my neck, looked him square in the eyes and blurted, “My sister’s [a year younger], and she’s single!”

To which I responded, “GAAAAAAAAHHHH! Noooooo!” and flashed her the most evil (read: mortified) look I could muster.

It was like I was instantly transported back to high school or something. My other sister just sat across the table - her eyes got wide too, but she hurried and shoved some food in her mouth so she wouldn’t have to actually talk. Their step mom and my nephew just started laughing.

It gets worse…remember that picture I mentioned getting slipped out? Well, it was slipped out for a reason, along with a scrap piece of paper with my phone number on it (I didn’t even see when she wrote that). Her hand ducked and weaved past my defenses as she passed the photo to our waiter - by this time, people are actually staring (probably laughing).

Not a problem until I figured out which picture it was. She couldn’t give him my cute dance pic where I’m looking all hard and stuff, like “What?! What…” - oh no…she had to give him the dance picture where I’m wearing TIGHT ZEBRA STRIPED PANTS and my ass is facing the camera with my head turned around with a “hey baby, come and get it…” look on my face. WTF?

Instead of being a gentleman by taking a quick glance and returning the photo, Jerry, our waiter, took the picture held it directly under a light and stared at it - hard - for a few moments, then looked up at us and said, “Damn, that’s a nice picture, can I keep it?”

I think that’s the point where I literally tried to crawl under the table…but I couldn’t quite fit because my sister’s leg was in the way.

Let’s fast forward to after dinner now. I asked Jerry to bring around the dessert menu and when he arrived with it, he leaned over my shoulder and said, “Let me tell you what’s good on the menu.” He pointed to two items followed by, “There’s me and then, there’s me.”

I really didn’t think the night could get any worse, but I was wrong.

When he arrived with dessert, my sister (not the one who handed me over on a silver platter) cleared her throat and finally said something.

“I do have something to add.” She sat up straight, “She’s not a gold digger, but she don’t want no broke…” she paused a second while she looked at my nephew, “errr…you know where this is going.”

We all start cracking up…of course, I’m still mortified. But it still gets worse.

She continued very calmly and seriously, “She’s not stuck up or anything, but she makes a comfortable amount of money and she doesn’t need to support a man that can’t even support himself. Actually, she really doesn’t need a man. Neither of them do,” referencing me and my oldest sister. “They can both get a bzzzzzz…” (yes, bzzzzz, the buzzing noise - she was speaking in code because there was a ten year old present - she even used hand gestures).

I responded with, “You should all be glad that martini knocked me off my ass, because I’m sober enough to be mad, but I’m not actually sober enough to do anything about it.” (which was true)

At this point, we weren’t the only ones laughing anymore…I swear I heard some other tables laughing too.

Some other highlights of the evening:

  • Bounching “bzzzzzzz”es
  • Jerry was invited to Thanksgiving dinner
  • He got a sneak preview of my other dance pic
  • We got to see his “cold shower dance”

Finishing up…after we paid the bill and my oldest sister finished grilling Jerry (who may or may not have a girlfriend, but is seriously considering returning to ‘the field’ after my sister provided him with a souvenir of at least one other fish in the sea), we decided to make a break for it.

When I asked my sister why she hadn’t come to my defense in there, she answered with, “Because my mouth was full.” So I pressed her about the whole broke thing and she answered with, “Well, you don’t want a broke…guy, do you?”

Driving home, her last words on the subject, “Teli, you are so much better than me. I would have been hiding under the table.”
I replied, “Ummm…didn’t you see me trying? When I realized I wouldn’t fit, I was casing the joint for exit points, but Jerry kept blocking my exit at the table.”

Despite the evening, I still love my sisters.